Submission

So I had this photo up as my main photo on facebook. I see it as art. I am a fan of nude art by the way and I plan on doing some more. Everyone knows I tend to be on the risky side when it comes to showing my body and I try to be tastefull. Well apparently I was alerted that my boyfriends mother saw the picture and he asked me to take it down because it's something only he should be looking at. I'm not going to lie I have gotten a few private comments from guys asking what my man thought about me putting that picture up. I simply replied that he's not the jealous type and that I'm sure he doesn't care. Well I guess I was wrong and even though this man is not my husband I suppose the right thing to do was to take it down out of respect for him and for his mother who is on facebook. This sucks because now I can't be as vulgar as I wanna be.  I feel like I'm being sensored, but I'll do what I have to do to make him happy and to respect him. 

Having to hold back my words is something that's hard for me. In my last relationship I was with a man who was much younger than me who was extremely controlling. I have never experienced such control in my life. I couldnt cuss around him, drink any alcohol around him, couldn't even dress provocatively around him in the house! Without getting into details, he even had me feeling like I was gross for using my vibrator when I was alone. Then he started telling me to take down my photos on my facebook. I knew he had to go because I actually changed myself for him and started feeling trapped and uncomfortable. He told me alot of the stuff i did and said was unlady like. He is from Mississippi so maybe it's a culture thing. Needless to say, I broke up with him after a month and never looked back. 

I'm hoping that I can find other outlets for my vulgarity. lol I know this man will accept most of it. And I'm thinkin since it's his mother who is involved, I can respect his wishes. 

I'm feeling better today. Been on an emotional rollercoaster all weekend. Everything seems life or death with me  and I need to just chill and realize what I'm worth and how good I actually have it. 

Got some extremely encouraging words from an old friend today. Made me all teary eyed too. Told me to not be so hard on myself and to realize how far I've come and to just focus.  I'm greatful for those words and him. 

I realize that all that after all I've been through with my man, I do respect him and I do love him with all my heart. Not easy to say, but it's true. I guess we shall see what he does with it this time around. 

In My Head

It's now 1 am and I can't sleep. Got too much on my mind. Not sure if it's the medication coming out of my body or if it's just me flipping out. At the moment, I feel like running away. I feel like it's too much work to get the basic things out of life. I want a job a husband and a family. but it's just not that easy to attain. I feel like running across the country and just being alone. Can't take it. I hate waiting, I hate timelines and I hate depending on other people. What the hell is wrong with me?

Suppose to move to the bay in August, I honestly don't feel like I'm going to make it. I'm tired of sitting at home all day. Tired of seeing jobs in sac that require 10 years of experience but only pay 10 an hour!! that won't even pay for my gas to work and insurance at this point! I started applying for jobs in San Fran today, 4 to be exact. I don't know why the hell I did, what if I do get a job? I can't afford daycare down there and I wouldn't be able to guarantee I'd have childcare assistance. I've never been the type to just give up but I feel something drastic coming on. Can't find my sleeping pills, I really need to go go sleep and get my mind off things.

I haven't spoken to my father for a week. I don't want to, he's stressing me out. Wants me to help him on his odd terms. I've got my own damn problems, he does t seem to care. He just wants to control me and make my life miserable. He's got my son there to help him but refuses to ask him because he gets in his bipolar moods. I'm going to start organizing my apartment, perhaps get rid of some things so I won't have a heavy load when I have to cut out and run the fuck away.

2011

Started my new year pretty low key, had planned on getting crazy drunk and dancing until 6 am. I did take the kids down to Old Sac to eat and watch the fireworks at 9. We decided to stay home and cuddle instead of going out afterwards. Tell me it isn't so ! Am I actually getting tired of going out? Hmmm we'll see if it's just a phase or if I'm actually turning into an old boring ass. It was a good day too because it was our Anniversay. We met 5 years ago on new years eve. Even got an unexpected pretty anniversary gift ;)

I've decided to move on from a few friends who have turned out to not really be friends. I'd rather not keep certain people in my life for the sake of having females to kick it with from time to time. It's fucked up because I long for female friendship. I need females I can just sit around with and have tea or wine. Or even to go on double dates with sheesh.

My thoughts are garbled today I better quit while I'm ahead.
day 8 off the poisonous happy meds. No serous side affects going on, just sleeping alot and the feeling of weightlessness in my arms and legs. I'm still loopy and my cough is still here. Ciao for now!