It's now 1 am and I can't sleep. Got too much on my mind. Not sure if it's the medication coming out of my body or if it's just me flipping out. At the moment, I feel like running away. I feel like it's too much work to get the basic things out of life. I want a job a husband and a family. but it's just not that easy to attain. I feel like running across the country and just being alone. Can't take it. I hate waiting, I hate timelines and I hate depending on other people. What the hell is wrong with me?
Suppose to move to the bay in August, I honestly don't feel like I'm going to make it. I'm tired of sitting at home all day. Tired of seeing jobs in sac that require 10 years of experience but only pay 10 an hour!! that won't even pay for my gas to work and insurance at this point! I started applying for jobs in San Fran today, 4 to be exact. I don't know why the hell I did, what if I do get a job? I can't afford daycare down there and I wouldn't be able to guarantee I'd have childcare assistance. I've never been the type to just give up but I feel something drastic coming on. Can't find my sleeping pills, I really need to go go sleep and get my mind off things.
I haven't spoken to my father for a week. I don't want to, he's stressing me out. Wants me to help him on his odd terms. I've got my own damn problems, he does t seem to care. He just wants to control me and make my life miserable. He's got my son there to help him but refuses to ask him because he gets in his bipolar moods. I'm going to start organizing my apartment, perhaps get rid of some things so I won't have a heavy load when I have to cut out and run the fuck away.
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