Submission

So I had this photo up as my main photo on facebook. I see it as art. I am a fan of nude art by the way and I plan on doing some more. Everyone knows I tend to be on the risky side when it comes to showing my body and I try to be tastefull. Well apparently I was alerted that my boyfriends mother saw the picture and he asked me to take it down because it's something only he should be looking at. I'm not going to lie I have gotten a few private comments from guys asking what my man thought about me putting that picture up. I simply replied that he's not the jealous type and that I'm sure he doesn't care. Well I guess I was wrong and even though this man is not my husband I suppose the right thing to do was to take it down out of respect for him and for his mother who is on facebook. This sucks because now I can't be as vulgar as I wanna be.  I feel like I'm being sensored, but I'll do what I have to do to make him happy and to respect him. 

Having to hold back my words is something that's hard for me. In my last relationship I was with a man who was much younger than me who was extremely controlling. I have never experienced such control in my life. I couldnt cuss around him, drink any alcohol around him, couldn't even dress provocatively around him in the house! Without getting into details, he even had me feeling like I was gross for using my vibrator when I was alone. Then he started telling me to take down my photos on my facebook. I knew he had to go because I actually changed myself for him and started feeling trapped and uncomfortable. He told me alot of the stuff i did and said was unlady like. He is from Mississippi so maybe it's a culture thing. Needless to say, I broke up with him after a month and never looked back. 

I'm hoping that I can find other outlets for my vulgarity. lol I know this man will accept most of it. And I'm thinkin since it's his mother who is involved, I can respect his wishes. 

I'm feeling better today. Been on an emotional rollercoaster all weekend. Everything seems life or death with me  and I need to just chill and realize what I'm worth and how good I actually have it. 

Got some extremely encouraging words from an old friend today. Made me all teary eyed too. Told me to not be so hard on myself and to realize how far I've come and to just focus.  I'm greatful for those words and him. 

I realize that all that after all I've been through with my man, I do respect him and I do love him with all my heart. Not easy to say, but it's true. I guess we shall see what he does with it this time around. 

In My Head

It's now 1 am and I can't sleep. Got too much on my mind. Not sure if it's the medication coming out of my body or if it's just me flipping out. At the moment, I feel like running away. I feel like it's too much work to get the basic things out of life. I want a job a husband and a family. but it's just not that easy to attain. I feel like running across the country and just being alone. Can't take it. I hate waiting, I hate timelines and I hate depending on other people. What the hell is wrong with me?

Suppose to move to the bay in August, I honestly don't feel like I'm going to make it. I'm tired of sitting at home all day. Tired of seeing jobs in sac that require 10 years of experience but only pay 10 an hour!! that won't even pay for my gas to work and insurance at this point! I started applying for jobs in San Fran today, 4 to be exact. I don't know why the hell I did, what if I do get a job? I can't afford daycare down there and I wouldn't be able to guarantee I'd have childcare assistance. I've never been the type to just give up but I feel something drastic coming on. Can't find my sleeping pills, I really need to go go sleep and get my mind off things.

I haven't spoken to my father for a week. I don't want to, he's stressing me out. Wants me to help him on his odd terms. I've got my own damn problems, he does t seem to care. He just wants to control me and make my life miserable. He's got my son there to help him but refuses to ask him because he gets in his bipolar moods. I'm going to start organizing my apartment, perhaps get rid of some things so I won't have a heavy load when I have to cut out and run the fuck away.

2011

Started my new year pretty low key, had planned on getting crazy drunk and dancing until 6 am. I did take the kids down to Old Sac to eat and watch the fireworks at 9. We decided to stay home and cuddle instead of going out afterwards. Tell me it isn't so ! Am I actually getting tired of going out? Hmmm we'll see if it's just a phase or if I'm actually turning into an old boring ass. It was a good day too because it was our Anniversay. We met 5 years ago on new years eve. Even got an unexpected pretty anniversary gift ;)

I've decided to move on from a few friends who have turned out to not really be friends. I'd rather not keep certain people in my life for the sake of having females to kick it with from time to time. It's fucked up because I long for female friendship. I need females I can just sit around with and have tea or wine. Or even to go on double dates with sheesh.

My thoughts are garbled today I better quit while I'm ahead.
day 8 off the poisonous happy meds. No serous side affects going on, just sleeping alot and the feeling of weightlessness in my arms and legs. I'm still loopy and my cough is still here. Ciao for now!

Interview FAIL!

Ok so my interview for this darn temp job went HORRIBLE!! I'd say it was the worst interview I had ever had. I have been in bed all week and really wasn't prepared for any kind of questions whatsoever. So the first question was "tell me what you did at your last position". I froze! I couldn't remember shyt. I was stuck on um um duh duh! I was so spacy and out of it. To make matters worse, I had three people sitting in front of me. I just couldn't wait to get out of there.

I get home at 12 ish and went straight to sleep because I wasn't feeling well. I'm realizin that I haven't eaten all day, wow. Anyways, I woke up 7 hours later, In a serious cold sweat. My body feels high. Sorta like the feeling you get when you take a sleeping pill. I know I'm not suppose to quit taking the meds cold turkey but I don't want to poison my body any longer. Put a call into the doc and of course since I'm on welfare medical, they never return calls.

I'm so grateful for my 10 year old through all this, she's helped me tremendously with the baby. I don't know what I would do without her.
Looking forward to a relaxing weekend.

End of Medication

Ok so it's been a little over a month since I've been on the depression meds and three weeks into taking them I developed a terrible cough. I let it go for almost two weeks thinking it was just a bug that I caught. I decided to do research on Celexa and read that several other people had this problem and that it was a common side affect. Um NO THANKS yet again I have to stop a medication due the the side affects. I cough all damn night and I feel like I'm coughing my lungs out like a smoker. I'm going to have to figure out other ways to get over my depression and anxiety issues. It's been a day since I stopped taking them and I'm already starting to feel withdrawal symptoms. I'm more looking forward to this cough going away.

So I'm thinking about moving down to the bay to be closer to the love of my life. I dunno. I can't seem to keep a man long enough and this plan is all the way to August. I need to be more optimistic but with my history, I can't help but to wonder.

I have a job interview tomorrow for a temp job that is going to be a month assignment. I guess it's better than nothing at this point. I'm so broke can barely afford gas to go anywhere.

I'm so impatient, I want what I want now and I'm tired of struggling with my kids. I guess part of my depression comes from my anger from choosing such terrible men to procreate with. I look all around me and see horrible females who cheated on their men or did other horrendous things yet the man stood there with her for the sake of having their child together. it angers me all the time, like why me. I have alot of love to give. Hopefully now I have that understanding man. After all we've been through for the past 6 years we always manage to end up back together.

Starting Over

I haven't done what I intended to do and that was to blog. My ADD tends to get the best of me and I quickly lose interest in things. Anyhow, I think I'm going to get back to doing this. Maybe it'll help me out a bit since at times I either don't have anyone to talk to or the person I'm talking to is yelling at me or not listening.

I've come to the conclusion that I can't stay in one place for a long time. I tend to get restless. When the going gets tough, I want to run far away. I get restless. Mainly when I'm single or in a dead end relationship. I long for stability but no one has been able to give that to me. I did have one boyfriend who made major plans with me and I KNEW he would have followed through with them. I messed up with that one for stupid reasons but I won't dwell on it.

But on the subject of relationships, I'm just clueless and I'm beginning to think I'm too use to being alone that I'll never find someone who is on the same wavelength as I am. I keep getting back with the same boyfriend who keeps abandoning and hurting me. What's up with this. I've given him 4 chances already. I mean it's not like there aren't any men out there. We get in other relationships and always tend to get back together after being lonely. It's stupid of me, but I always think things will be better each time around. I care about this person alot, but sometimes I wonder if it's just a loneliness thing on his part. I can't communicate this to him enough and changes are coming soon to where I don't think I can handle. Too many memories that haunt me. I need someone who is mine full time, not taking care of a grown ass adult. I'm irritated but prepared for things to fizzle.

I need so much right now. I'm frustrated with my situation. I'm frustrated that I got left with a baby with no help, I'm frustrated I have to do it on my own. I'm frustrated that nobody gets me. I'm frustrated that I'm broke and an emotional wreck. I feel abandoned times 3. Wow is me
, I know but this is not how life was suppose to be.

Started taking depression meds again. We'll see if I can stick to them this time. I feel sluggish and naseous all the time, it's been a few days. I need to get out of this depression and start looking for a job. Nobody gonna help me but my damn self.

Posing Christians

Ok so I've pretty much had it with people who claim to be Christians who misuse the title as well as misuse the name of God. What type of society do we now live in where people have to claim to be something they truly aren't?

Some background on me. I was raised in the church and went to private schools most of my life. As an adult, like say maybe 25, I strayed from the church due to being around so many fake Christians and bearing witness to some of the most hypocritical perverted Church leaders and pew warmers you can imagine. I don't claim to be a Christian because I know that as a TRUE Christian, you have a responsibility to God to lead by example and to not purposely act in ways that are unpleasing in his eyes because you have the mentality that "everybody sins". With that said, I drink like crazy, I curse like crazy, and I yell out of anger quite a bit in public when someone rubs me the wrong way and have no remorse for it most of the time. Now tell me, is this how a Christian should be behaving? No, it isn't, so I do not claim it until I get myself right in his eyes.

A true Christian DOES know that they fall short and sin, but overall TRY to live right in his eyes even when they fall. Not fall every damn day, over and over, carry on with perverted ways all the while saying "God got me this far". Just like those buffoon rappers who degrade women and rap about killing but when they win an award, all of the sudden its, "First of all I wanna thank God". Thank God? What God are YOU talking about? Because my God doesn't condone or reward anyone of your kind. Stripper be in the club shaking her azz and vagina up on men, then be in church on a Sunday thanking him for providing for her.

Also, this is something my mother has had a problem with for as long as I can remember. She chooses these men who are NOT Christians. Thinks God will somehow change him or fix him to be the perfect husband for her. Men who are liars, cheaters, etc. She says, “God will work on him because I am a believer”. Um ok, GOD, for your information, helps those who help themselves. Needless to say, my mother has now been married 6 times. Every time, she says GOD wanted her to be with these men. Poppycocksmack! And you wonder why I cant take MOST “so called” Christians serious. They only believe what they feel in their MIND what they WANT to happen. Not what reality tells them. God does NOT, I repeat, DOES NOT, tell a woman..or man to be with someone who needs to be worked on. It is ALL on you. Leave him out of it.

Let me end this before I get too heated, too many so called Christians I have come across, are delusional and need to go back and read the WHOLE bible because you're a SHEEP following blindly. A follower aka Christian, does not follow blindly yet studies the Word of God. And not only to take certain points and fit them to your needs. Ever heard of the term "Itching Ears" {2 Timothy 4:3 For the time will come when people will not tolerate healthy doctrine, but with itching ears will surround themselves with teachers who cater to their people's own desires}. I ask you to rethink what you are calling yourself, as you are suppose to be a true representation for ALL Christians, not adjust the rules to fit your perverted -sinful lifestyle. Physician Heal Thyself....Don't come to me telling me what I need to do to get my life together, and wanting to pray for me, when you're living a crazy diluted, drug smokin, dealin, sexin, lifestyle or have a chain smoking habit (like my bible thumping mother) heheh.